Goddess in the Rose Garden

Jonathan

🇲🇽J🇲🇽M🙇J🎉M😮M

Jonathan

Marysue 🎶

¿Tienes mucha chamba esta semana? O estás en la luna?

Cuando tengas un momentito, tengo muchas ganas de hablar contigo. 

No te burles de mí por intentarlo.

Espero que estés soñando con los angelitos.

~

Jonathan

Yo no pedí esto, pero estoy haciendo lo que me toca, aunque me duela.

No confundas que esté cooperando con que esté de acuerdo.

Si esto es lo que estás eligiendo, necesito que también te hagas responsable de lo que te toca.

Marysue

What you are talking about? I literally already met with Maddy again and we will meet all together soon. 

I was going to say we can talk tomorrow during the day but idk what that message was really 

⁉️J🙆J❓J

Jonathan

SO TELL ME

Jonathan

¿Puedes llamarme?

Jonathan

Marysue? Can you tell me what's going on please? Can you try to imagine how any of this is processing from my point of view and how clueless I am and how long I've been waiting to just hear what I should expect to be happening? 

Do you understand how confusing it is to me that we went from watching a show together and being able to have a chill casual night at a bar to going mostly no-contact without explanation? 

Can I get some information, please?

Jonathan

Can you at the very least give me a hint? Can you make the bare minimum effort of sending me an emoji or something to tell me that you've seen my messages and intend to not respond? Or give me some idea of what I should be expecting to happen next?

Marysue

Everything is fine! I can’t talk on the phone rn but she said she was going to sends us both an email with some topics we both agreed to discuss and then we were going to set up the first session. Nothing has changed. Everything is still what we had agreed on. 

I’m also not mad, everything is chill. I promise. 

Marysue

This isn’t me doing no contact lol it’s fineeeeeee everything is fineeeeeee 

Jonathan

😕

Me alegra saber que para ti las cosas están bien. De verdad es un alivio. Muchas gracias por responder.

Marysue

De nada! No te preocupes 

🥲J

Marysue

Hey, sorry for the lack of update. Madeline had told me she was talking to you the next day after we talked so I assumed she would give you the update. Did you guys not talk? 

Jonathan

Sí, nos conocimos. Esa es otra razón porque quiero hablamos contigo. Hablar? Quiero hablar contigo. (Este verdad? corrigeme en español por favor)

Escribí más, pero I'll save it for later. 

Marysue

Si, es “quiero hablar contigo” 

Okay pues no se cuando pueda pero si es solo una llamada normal es mas probable. No me puedo sentar a hacer una zoom call este fin. De que quieres hablar? 

Marysue

If you just have a couple of quick questions I can even talk right now 

Jonathan

I'm at a loss for words. I can take a quick call for now.

Jonathan

Final edit: well, this went on. I hope you'll forgive me and be understanding of why I wanted to share this. I hope it will give you a little more context about what I mean when I tell you the patience and silence costs me and builds up over time. I think all of this could have been broken down into tiny pieces that were handled quickly as they came up, but they've been building and this is where I am. Maybe consider this a private journal every that I really do want you to read when you can do it kindly and gently and have compassion to offer me. I can't force you to read this. But let me know if you do, please. Even if you can't respond right away. Let me know if there's anything here you'll think about, let me know anything. And please let me know if you share this with anyone else. Like if it makes you angry or hurt or something, please bring that to me too so I can know, and we can process it together. Hopefully all of my negative fears are just noise and you'll read this kindly and nothing bad will come of it at all. But please understand that I'm scared and I'm hurt and I'm sleepless and I'm sick. The small comforts you've offered me really do go a long way, and I hope you'll still feel the same positive way after reading this. I'm holding onto that positivity, I have confidence things will go well. This is just one thing I wanted to get to last time we talked that's been weighing so heavily on me this last year and been getting worse these last months. Please be gentle and kind and positive, I promise it's possible and I believe you're a good person and can offer me compassion and sympathy for being where I am right now and needing to express this vulnerability to you. Sorry for the novel. Please don't tune it out just because it's a lot to read. 

Hey thanks for that quick call. I do appreciate the communication. Please be patient with me while I add this one thing that's been weighing so heavily on me for so long and that shapes the context and mentality I'm bringing to the table when we do talk.

(Edit: sorry, this went on much longer than I intended but I promise it's a one-off. Don't worry about me doing more of this, cause this is really the heart of the only things I have any desire to pour out about. I hope you'll kindly allow me this one and not let it change anything in a negative way. (And honestly it's not that long if you remove yourself from the expectations that have been programmed into all of us by consuming so much short-form content and living in a capitalist society where every minute is focused on monetary value and quick dopamine hits instead of old fashioned, deeply thought out human communications about important topics.))

Please please don't skim this message, (edit: because I'm really pouring my heart into this and begging you to take your time and consider it) read it when you have the will to focus on it and consider my words beyond your initial emotional response for a deeper and more sober truth.

(Emotional edit: Your answer has the potential to change nothing, and it also has the potential to improve your own life and let you move on from me and all of this just as you want, and also to vastly improve my own life and show me there's an opportunity to experience a world that's more than horror and regret and CPTSD and doom to live in the aftermath of an experience I never deserved, and a lifetime of very specific nightmares that crush me under the weight of the reality they portray.)

I have a question I'd like you to reflect on. I'll try to make this quickish (edit: I failed, but I hope you'll understand why the deep context was important to me) but want to add a little context so it doesn't come off aggressive, because it's genuinely not. Just try to keep an open mind and light heart, and understand that a response, if you choose to give one, that you think might hurt me or devastate me, is still a response I want if it's genuinely truthful. I'm not going to retaliate in any way at all, even though I know that's hard for you to believe or trust. It'll help me understand you a little better and that will help me in the process of accepting the shape and experience of the reality of my fate here in this world.

I know we're both going through extremely different lives and our perspectives are very far apart from being able to understand each other, so please consider this question I'm about to ask you with serious effort, but also gentleness and maybe a balanced offering of the patience and light-heartedness I try to hold for you.

Don't let the first part upset you too much to consider the rest of the question, I know you hate when I bring it up but it's genuinely important context to set the question properly. Now the hard part:

Please reflect for a bit on who we were and how things collapsed. Then imagine how different that world might have been if you had kept your promise to keep keith out of your life. Would you have been kinder to me, more open to connecting and talking and having fun the way we had fun if he weren't in the picture at all? Of going to the couples therapy you originally agreed to do many times? If you had never entered your romantic relationship with him, if we had never started hurting each other about the secrets and broken promises that only existed because of your desire for him? Would we have been able to continue on the way we were before he became the incredible poison he did eating away at what was working and developing as a good, non-sexual friendship between you and me? Please try to consider it deeply, how it affected you and the vicious cycle it powered tearing us apart.

If you remove him and the behaviors and pain we experienced because of his place in the picture, is there anything else that would have prevented you and I from continuing to be friends? Going out to occasional movies, sending memes, keeping up with each other, making new friends and going on with our own lives without that forced complete isolation you needed from me to feel safer about your decision to be with him? Can you imagine a world where we continued to respect and platonically love each other, even as you dated new people, maybe people who would become my own friends and enrich everyone's lives with love and fun and a healthy moving on with our own lives as friends? 

If you take him out of the picture completely, can you see how things might have gone so well that you and I never had to go no contact just to end our romantic relationship? How instead of that quick call today to update me on this psychological horror show, it could have been, in that world where keith never became the affair that led to my death, a quick call to say "hey me and Rico and Rayna and the girls are going to First Thursday, do you and Hyna want to come out after work? Also what are your plans for the weekend cause Rico wants to go dancing and he said you need to come learn so you can get a woman to entertain me when Rayna and Trent are fighting so you two can have more gay bro time or whatever"?

Do you get what I mean? his presence caused grievous damage to our friendship in a way nothing else could have. There would have been no secrets, no suspicion, no worry or blame or hurt or anything other than us just getting used to our new lives where we were exploring living without each other. As friends or as who we were, it doesn't matter.

(Edit (this paragraph became more like a private journal entry. Maybe you won't want to read it, but I hope you do, and you're gentle with me about it): when we got our new jobs and got to Austin together, for such a brief moment in time I thought that I had finally beat my depression and was about to get to experience the life I deserved. I was just getting color back into my face. My heart was full and I was so excited for both of us and finding out how our friendship would bloom, and even how our love for each other would develop with all of the new freedom and opportunity and security we had just gained. I really believe that if you had kept that one promise, this last year would have been one of the best years of our lives, and that they only stood to get better from there. I never saw or figured out anything that drove you to treat me or see me the way you did. Without him in the picture, we really were happy and getting happier. I don't want to live the rest of my entire life having nightmares about the two of you reminding me that I lost everything at the happiest moment in my life, that everything we had in the last ten years was worth less to you than whatever you were getting from him, that I wasn't worth fighting for. I'm asking all of this to find out if that's the real answer, or if there is anything in your heart that believes I am worth fighting for in any capacity. I just want to be worth more to you. Even as your ex husband and one of your best platonic friends. I really desperately want to hear you say yes, you chose him at that time, but that I'm worth more to you than he ever was, that he was just something you needed at a desperate and vulnerable time. Even non-romantically. And on the devastating side, if I'm losing you forever, in any capacity, I want to know that it was my fault, or that it was something specific that had nothing to do with him. I just want to know he was just a horrible mistake and not worth more to you than I am in any capacity. I don't want to live my life having lost you to him. If I'm losing you in any way, and in the ways I've already lost you, I'm begging you to give me reasons that it had to happen even in a world where he never existed. The cheonic nightmares of you two are devastating.)

And if you're capable of seeing that world that I see, where we were able to come to Austin and continue the momentum of how well we were doing before he slid into our lives, our life... if you can see how well things most likely would have gone if he were never there, what is really left to make it not worth it to you to be my friend? I never would have been driven to the desperate end of the pain that I was in, because I never would have been in that pain. You never would have been traumatized by my decision to end my pain because that never would have even crossed my mind. We would just be two humans exploring a new world that held endless opportunity for both of us as individuals and as friends. 

So if you can see that world, if you can feel what I feel, can you please tell me what else exists in this world that prevents you from wanting to heal towards that life today? Obviously if he's more important to you than everything we built over ten years, not just romantically, but as humans who loved each other and respected each other and held each other in so many different ways for all that time, then there's no possibility of healing toward that world because this world is the one you choose, the one you chose. But I know you're happy with your life and who you are, and I'm fighting so desperately for a world that's also happy for me, a world that's fair to me, a world that I deserve, even without you having romantic interest in me. I love you, I have loved you, I have done so much and dedicated so much to you and to us as human beings who I understood may eventually have to go separate ways if certain conditions weren't met. But would we ever have had to force that going of separate ways if he wasn't in the picture? 

Is there anything in your heart that wants that world, that's happy for both of us, where we could still be friends and love each other as humans even without loving each other romantically, where we could be in each other's lives and our friends could be friends and we could laugh and go places and enjoy things as a big group of people who are all happy to just be with each other? Is there anything at all in you that wants to live in a world where both of us get to be happy? Or is your heart truly so full and happy with this world, where only you get to be happy, and I get to be alone with my pain and isolation and loss and betrayal? What is the risk, what do you lose by choosing the world I believe could exist? I'm not asking to accuse you, I'm asking because there has to be something and I deserve to know what that something is.

The question, basically: can you imagine a world in which we both process and put behind us (having processed it and grown from it and healed from it,) the pain and trauma that bloomed from your relationship with keith, and we both choose to live in this better world in a way that's more in line with where we should have been, where we would have been if he never existed? And if you can't imagine that world, or you genuinely just don't want that world, can you please come up with real answers for me to keep for the rest of my life, that let me know why this world that is good for you and torture for me is the world you had to choose, the only world you were willing to live in?

I hope you'll see what I see. I still have hope, I still believe in you with the last desperate shred of who I am. I'm fighting desperately for a world that both of us get to experience happy lives in. Whether the answers are agony for me or not, please just give them to me as the very very least that I deserve, because they're going to be answers that shape my own decisions about how to work with you, and that I will remember and carry in my heart for the rest of my long, natural life. 

Please let your immediate emotional reaction to this settle and think rationally, even if it's difficult, and please give me the most genuine answers you can. This is close to the root of everything that's going on, a key to unlocking the truth of that question you asked me and that I've been begging to know for myself in my own way. "When do I get to move on with my life?".

I love you, old friend.

Hay dos caminos.

Me faltas.

Jonathan

Hey you don't need to read all that. 

Please just be kind about me needing to get it off my chest. I'll try to re-read it and process it down to something more digestible and bring it to you next time we talk. I would still like to talk to clear some things up before we meet with Madeline, even just for 15-30 minutes. 

If you do choose to read it, then thank you for your effort and attention. Just please be gentle with me. It's very raw and I'm in a very painful and difficult place so my heart begs to scream out. It's difficult to think clearly, your sympathy would go a long way here by trusting that I'm not coming from a place of wanting to hurt you or make you feel bad or corner you into doing anything. I just wanted you to know what is weighing on me so maybe it might turn out to be a burden we can lift together, and maybe I learn it's just something for me to carry alone. 

I hope you don't have any negative feelings and I hope you have a really fun night at First Thursday and with your busy weekend. I'm glad you're in a good place. I'm happy for you. I know you can't tell them but I'm sending my love and hope for safety to you and your friends.

If you do still feel good, if everything is fine, I would appreciate one last reassurance for the weekend if you mean it. Otherwise, you have my deepest apologies.

Thank you, chat with me when you can. I know you don't have much time for me, so I don't expect it to be soon. But I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers 🙏

Jonathan

Hey actually I'm so sorry about this but could you please find ten seconds to call me really quick? Just ten seconds. I promise. If it's at all possible

🙇J

Jonathan

Hey, sorry to bother you - would you mind sending me your updated mailing address so I can have your registration renewal sent to you directly?

If that makes you uncomfortable for any reason just let me know before you process anything yourself so that we can work out the whole chain of registration related issues at the same time together please 🙏

Hope you're having a good weekend 

~

⚓J

Marysue

Hey!! What do you mean by chain of registration issues? 

🎶J🙋J

Jonathan

Mmm, I didn't mean to send that anchor. I opened up this thread earlier, pocket text. Sorry

Your question: a bullet list of things I was too mentally exhausted to type out. But everything related to registration involving the conversation we need to have about insurance, ownership, inspections, change of address - all of the things that I mentioned previously I am legally on the hook for while waiting for you to do the research and make your decisions to close out the related ownership conversation we had a few months back.

Jonathan

Your thoughts?

Jonathan

Are you sealioning?

Marysue

Yes! I do remember that. Let’s have a quick phone calllll tomorrow? 

Jonathan

Aight big dawg I assume you're going to want to chat after work? Or before bed? Give me a rough idea of when to expect you 

Marysue

7pm? 

Marysue

Ish 

Marysue

ORR are you still at work around 4pm? 

Jonathan

Marysue are you aware that I've been mostly paralyzed since the day you took me to the ER? I very rarely have days where I'm able to walk, let alone drive. I'm on leave.

Jonathan

You can call me around 4 or 7, either is fine.

Jonathan

https://txt.texas.gov/dmv/vehicle-registration-renewal

(go listen to Dungeon Crawler Carl)

hope to hear from you soon

🎶

Marysue

Omg I forgot I was supposed to do that! Yes I will. 

😊J

Jonathan

Thank you, please update me when that's done if you would 🙏

Also, I want to ask for your permission to send you a small bit of health-related information specifically following up on a sensitive topic we briefly discussed previously. 

I don't know you, but I do still care about you as a fellow human, and you mentioned not having a clear and complete understanding on this topic but definitely having an interest in gaining one. I know you can get overwhelmed with all the things demanding your attention but that you're also prioritizing your physical health, so I want to send you this information while you actively have the mental overhead for making appointments and talking to doctors. 

But I also respect that you're an adult who is ultimately responsible for figuring things out for yourself and you don't hold the same values about looking out for each other that I do, so I don't want to upset you by overstepping. And I assure you that I have no intention of asking questions or following up. I'm not looking to invade your privacy, just offer your some information to do with as you will because you mentioned possibly not having that information or being clear on how to find it yourself.

What I think of as an act of compassion, you might think of as an act of control or invasion of privacy, you know? Trying to show you the respect that I hold for you.

If you wouldn't mind giving me a go/don't go as soon as you can I'll appreciate being able to cross that concern off of my list one way or the other.

Hope you're feeling okay today, get back soon please 🙏

~

PS about our apartments - I miss how big my old apartment was, especially the bathroom and closet. And with each new place I feel like I'm getting further from home. I'm wondering if I'll ever feel like I'm home again. It's a very empty sadness, I blamed that on the apartment itself but I'm thinking it's just my heart. I think I'm depressed that I may have already left the last room we'll ever step into together. Everything ahead of me feels so cold and bleak from here.

I'll keep trying to make my living space feel like somewhere I want to be, I'm thinking more kindly about it since you told me how nice it looked to you. Thanks for that.

Jonathan

In addition to my previous email, new information: my surgery has been postponed so I won't have to leave town tomorrow. I'll be available all day, if you would kindly let Madeline and me know what time you prefer. 

Thank you for your attention to this email and the previous one together 🙏

Marysue

Oh! Is that a good thing? Or bad?

And yeah, I also miss my old bathroom and closet  the mosttttt (so much) so I definitely understand where you are coming from there but I’ve always thought the loft apartment layouts where very cool so you have some cool features that’s make up for it for sure. 

I got my results back and I’m veryyy vitamin d deficient so that checks out. 

Jonathan

Classic Marysue. Always surprised you manage to be vitamin D deficient 🥴 go get some sunlight. Women lose bone density sooner and worse than men do and you need vitamin d to absorb calcium.

What are your decisions on scheduling with Madeline? If we aren't doing tomorrow then can you pick a time next week with me CCd on the email? And if we go next week, can you please carve out a small bit of time before the meeting to iron out what we're bringing to the table, together? I understand how busy you are. I'm asking for you to move our work up a little bit on your ranked list of priorities, please.

Since you didn't tell me not to send it I'm going to go ahead and give you the information I was referring to in my previous email. I'll color it green so you can skip it and see if I said anything else after. I'm sending this from a place of love, not judgment or snark or anything like that and I'm not going to ask you to give me information about your health, though I'm always happy to hear you out and offer whatever I can give for your needs and comfort and safety, when you volunteer such information to me.

Anyway, please do read this and consider it carefully, for yourself. I could be wrong but for some reason I thought you might appreciate this information confirming from a language model instead of being written in my voice. I cut out a ton of information to make it straightforward as possible. Here you go: 

HPV basics:

A normal STD test does not rule out HPV. HPV usually is not tested like other STDs.

There is no perfect “did I catch HPV from him?” test. HPV can show up later, stay hidden, or clear on its own. Most HPV infections clear within about 1–2 years and never become cancer.

What to schedule:

1. OB-GYN / Planned Parenthood appointment

• Ask: “Am I due for a Pap smear or HPV test?”
• Ask about high-risk HPV testing, especially HPV 16/18.
• Ask whether you should get Gardasil 9, the HPV vaccine.

2. STI follow-up:

• Confirm your test covered HIV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomonas, and any oral/rectal exposure if relevant.​

Vaccine:

It may not be too late.

HPV vaccine works best before exposure, but it can still protect against HPV types you have not had.

Usually:

• Recommended through age 26
• Possible by doctor discussion from 27–45
• Not typically licensed after 45​

Cancer risk:

Cervical cancer usually takes years, often 10–20+ years, to develop after persistent high-risk HPV. The main protection is staying up to date on Pap/HPV screening.

What to do now (if you choose):

• Book OB-GYN or Planned Parenthood.
• Ask about Pap + high-risk HPV test / genotyping.
• Ask about Gardasil 9.
• Use condoms/barriers, but know they just reduce HPV risk rather than eliminate it.
• Avoid smoking if applicable.
• Follow up on any abnormal Pap/HPV result.

Mmm

And just in case you want to see the full report pulled by our good frienemy chatgpt (with everything sourced from the CDC website where you can find this all for yourself and more), I'm going to go ahead and leave that below, in red so you can intentionally avoid it if you would prefer not to see it at all:

I’d treat this as two appointments/tasks, not one: (1) cervical-cancer prevention/screening with an OB-GYN or Planned Parenthood/sexual-health clinic, and (2) a complete STI-risk review to make sure your “basic STD test” covered the right organisms and exposure sites.

The big takeaways

A clear basic STI panel does not rule out HPV. CDC states there is no general test to determine a person’s overall “HPV status,” and HPV tests are mainly used for cervical-cancer screening, not as a “did I catch HPV from this partner?” test. There is also no approved HPV test for the mouth or throat. 

HPV can also be impossible to time. CDC notes that people can develop symptoms years after sex with someone who has HPV, which makes it hard to know when they first got it. A positive HPV test later would not prove it came from this specific partner, and a negative test soon after exposure would not prove zero exposure. 

Most HPV infections do not become cancer. CDC says about 9 out of 10 HPV infections go away on their own within two years, and NCI says most HPV infections clear within a year or two; short-term infections do not cause cancer. The cancer risk is mainly from persistent high-risk HPV over years.  

What tests to ask about

Ask for a cervical cancer screening review, not just an “HPV test.” The useful options are:

Pap test / cytology: looks for cervical cell changes or precancerous changes. CDC says Pap testing detects precancers—cell changes that might become cancer if not treated. 

High-risk HPV test: looks for HPV types linked to cervical cancer. CDC says FDA-cleared HPV tests can detect DNA or mRNA from high-risk types, and some tests identify HPV 16 and 18 specifically. 

Co-testing: Pap + high-risk HPV test together.

Genotyping: ask whether the HPV test includes HPV 16/18 genotyping or extended genotyping. This matters because CDC’s STI guidelines say colposcopy is recommended when HPV 16 or 18 is detected, even if cytology is normal. 

Colposcopy/biopsy: not usually something you request just because of exposure. It is the follow-up if your Pap/HPV results or a visible lesion justify it.

For age-based screening, current U.S. guidance is not perfectly identical across organizations. CDC says ages 21–29 generally get Pap testing every 3 years, and ages 30–65 should discuss HPV-only testing, co-testing, or Pap-only screening options. HRSA’s updated guideline says ages 21–29 should use Pap every 3 years, and ages 30–65 should use primary high-risk HPV testing every 5 years as the preferred option, with co-testing every 5 years or Pap every 3 years as alternatives. ACS recommends starting at 25 with primary HPV testing every 5 years as preferred, with self-collected HPV testing every 3 years, co-testing every 5 years, or Pap every 3 years as other options. 

So the practical ask is: “Am I due for cervical screening, and based on my age and history should we do Pap alone, primary high-risk HPV testing, or co-testing with HPV 16/18 genotyping?”

Is there a waiting period?

There is no clean HPV equivalent of “test at X days and you’re clear.” HPV testing is not designed as a recent-exposure test.

A high-risk HPV test may be negative because you were not infected, because the infection is not established/detectable, because the sampled site did not contain detectable virus, because the type is not included in the test, or because your immune system already suppressed it below detection. CDC also emphasizes that HPV can be passed without symptoms and may appear years later. 

For cervical cancer specifically, the timeline is usually long. CDC says HPV-related cancer often takes years, even decades after infection to develop. WHO says cervical cancer generally takes 15–20 years for abnormal cells to become cancer, though it can be faster—around 5–10 years—in people with weakened immune systems such as untreated HIV.  

Is it too late for the HPV vaccine?

Probably not, depending on your age.

CDC recommends HPV vaccination through age 26 if not adequately vaccinated. For adults 27–45, vaccination is not routine for everyone, but CDC supports shared decision-making with a clinician; it may still help prevent infection with HPV types you have not yet encountered. CDC also emphasizes that the vaccine prevents new HPV infections but does not treat existing infection or HPV-related disease. 

ACIP/CDC says HPV vaccines are not licensed for adults older than 45. It also says no Pap test or HPV test is required before deciding whether vaccination is appropriate; cervical screening should simply continue according to guidelines. 

If you start the vaccine series at 15 or older, CDC’s schedule is typically 3 doses at 0, 1–2 months, and 6 months. 

What you can do to reduce risk now

The most evidence-backed steps are:

Get up to date on cervical screening and follow up on any abnormal results. CDC says abnormal results usually do not mean cancer, but follow-up is important because treatment can prevent cervical cancer from developing. 

Ask about HPV vaccination as soon as practical, especially if you are 45 or younger and expect any future new partners. CDC notes that a new sex partner is a risk factor for a new HPV infection at any age. 

Use condoms or barriers, knowing they reduce risk but do not fully prevent HPV because HPV can infect skin not covered by a condom. 

Do not have sex while either partner has visible genital warts until evaluated/treated; CDC specifically advises avoiding sex when genital warts are present until they are gone. 

Avoid smoking if applicable. NCI lists smoking and secondhand smoke as factors that increase cervical cancer risk in people with high-risk HPV. 

What to bring or ask at the appointment

Bring or write down:

Date(s) of exposure, type of sex, condom/barrier use, and whether oral/anal exposure occurred.

What the man means by “has HPV”: genital warts, high-risk HPV, abnormal anal screening, prior partner report, or something else.

Your age, vaccine status, last Pap date/result, any prior abnormal Pap/HPV results, immune-system issues, smoking status, pregnancy possibility, and symptoms.

Ask: “Am I due for Pap or HPV-based screening?” “Can we do high-risk HPV testing with 16/18 genotyping if age-appropriate?” “Do I need colposcopy only if results are abnormal?” “Should I get Gardasil 9 now?”

Also consider confirming your “basic STD test” included HIV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomonas where appropriate, with throat/rectal swabs if those sites were exposed. That is separate from HPV, but it is worth tightening up after a new STI-related disclosure.

Yep that's all sorry if this offended you but I'm still in a place where I care about your health and safety and well-being and all that so I was hoping you'd appreciate having it. (EDIT: I kind of popped off here unexpectedly so I'm also going to color the rest of this section grey so you can once again choose for yourself whether or not you're interested in reading it.) Bella had/has a pretty ugly HPV she got back in high school that we thought was HSV until she got test results back. Idk if I trust what she said about it back then. I know he had some kinds of HPV since college at least because he was always bringing up his common and harmless it is and blah blah blah just trying to convince himself he wasn't fucked up in the head about it. I thought for a long time that the list of women he fucked was a way for him to feel better about what he had by giving it to as many people as possible. That was a piece of the start of my initial drift away from loving him as deeply as I had. I was gentle about it at first but time and drunken conversations with him and watching him live his life the way he did, feeling him get meaner and more selfish, I came away from all that with a perspective that showed much crueler, darker possibilities about who he really was. Is. I still did my best by him and treated him with love and an open mind, especially when we had so many of our drunken deep talks. But I never trusted him again, and I listened to him using the same technique for months and months to self validate this idea that he really genuinely believed in christianity and worshipped the christian god, just so he could fuck bella. Which I think he did for like one week before giving up on the relationship and getting divorced. Anyway. That's a lot of context you probably didn't care to hear.

Anyway! 

Please let me know what you decide about the meetings

Jonathan

It's a bad thing, I'm in so much pain and it's been months. Im so tired. 

Is your new bathroom and closet real tiny? Do you have a tub?? I need to buy cabinets 😮‍💨 how are your ants and wasps?

I do like the loft layout. It feels in a weird way kind of like an adult bunk bed. It would be nice if my office nook had a little more space but I'm just nitpicking.

Anyway I hope you're having a really good day! Please take a minute to let me know about the appointment and potential pre-appointment sync so I can figure out how to budget my time 🙏

With so much love, and some sunlight,

🐼🎶

PS - Please feel free to reply in Spanish any time about anything or even just mix some in here and there if it's convenient for you. We almost never talk with a quick turnaround so I don't mind taking time to look things up and figure them out. It would help me 🇲🇽

Marysue

I’ve gotten tested and can confirm I am (and was) negative. ( yes I did more than just the standard std test. I asked for it when I got a pap smear) I did just find out I had mono at some point which is gross but does check out since I was kissing strangers in bars. I also learned it stays with you forever which again, gross. I was like a little proud I had never had mono since I know it’s very common :\ but alas. 

Honestly my bathroom is not even that small, it’s a normal size, I was just super spoiled at my old place so this one pales in comparison. Yeah I have a tub. 

The closet in the other hand is about a third of the size of my last one and while it’s a walk in, it was designed terriblyyyy so it sucks and I don’t have room for anything. 

Ants are still here and wasps have been taken care of but they have already tried to rebuild once -.-

Jonathan

That's great, I'm glad you have that peace of mind 🙏

Yikes gross but nothing new

I don't know how you survive with anything less than four hundred square feet of closet space, that's honestly fascinating

I don't have a tub, but I mostly just liked having it for the thought of sharing slow burn intimacy with someone on nights in, which I'm done with now anyway so the tubless shower really helps drive home the feeling of being an invisible outsider better off putting thoughts of human connection out of my head 

I am going insane asking you repeatedly to choose a time for our meeting with me CCd. Today's been a really emotionally shitty and stressful day and it's too late now so please reach out to pick a time for next week.

Also please let me know when you've done the registration for the truck. Or reach out if you need help.

I really deeply hate this email-only life you've so graciously allowed me to live with you. Having to write things down when things are the way they are today is extremely emotionally demanding because so much comes up that I have to avoid or dance around and all of this could have been done cheerfully and pleasantly without any of that over the course of a call. 

It's also just a really brutal and constant reminder that your life is so full and so busy and so social and so happy and you're convinced it's only that way because I'm not in it. 

I've deleted the rest of what I just wrote because I realize I'm emotionally distressed and I know you have no interest in engaging me to work through that because honestly why would you? 

Please just send the request Marysue

Marysue

I think I cc’d the wrong email but I sent an email inquiring about Monday 

Jonathan

I got it. Thank you so much. 

Thank you for your time 

~

Jonathan

I'm sorry for exposing my pain to you today. Please find the compassion to not punish me for opening up to you. 

I wrote and deleted a lot of things. I want you to ask to talk to me about them. I know you won't.

A light-hearted call here or there would be nice. We're almost done, it world be greatly received by me if you were to experiment with treating me like a human being for the final stretch.

Jonathan

On June 22, 2025, Marysue said to Jonathan, "I am promising myself that I am not putting both of us through all of this for nothing."

I hope you've kept that promise. I hope that whatever something you've been doing it for is worth every drop of blood and tears and pain and heartache that has flooded the distance between us, that has flooded from us. Both of us. I hope you meant it. 

I mean, aside from the one obvious reason you were putting both of us through all of this at the time. I really hope that wasn't it. Super not worth the cost, not by any stretch of the imagination. But it would fit the Cosmic Joke.

I'd be happy to stop being dramatic now if that's okay with you. It just accumulates as a result of the psychic damage you inflict on me and if I don't express it then it festers and I've had it up to here with all that and you're ffffff annoying and I'm losing my marbles with the insane asymmetry of our lives and values and hearts.

So, you know. Would love to hear what's going on in your head.

Have you ever considered just training a bot to respond to my emails for you? I could just chat away and you could live your life of the rich and famous and beautiful and forget that I exist until the bot flags an action item or something that needs your attention

Eeeeuurrrrgggghhhhghgggg hg gghggh I'm gonna screem

This thread has started to rot I'm gonna open the next line of the poem this weekend. 

Do you want to help write it or do you not gaf

Just pay one of your friends to respond to me or something they'll probably just end up saying what you really want to say anyway tbh

Bye

Marysue

Like if an ai can just download my likeness and you can chat with her? That would be crazyyyy but I’m sure we are not far from living in a world where they would be a possibility. 

I’m sure you saw that I set a date! Yay celebrations! 

Jonathan

Ohhh girl we're already there. I have some crazzzy things u could show you I found and it's all just jaw dropping

And yes, thank you for taking care of that :)

I'm going to go for a walk, I'm excited that it's about to rain. I need to recharge.

I just picked up a bunch of broken glass in the grass near the dumpster :( I want to post something in the community forum but the leasing office deletes everything that isn't like approved marketing copy. So gross. 

It's already raining now lol I'm gonna go get my umbrella omg it just started pouring

Also taking a bag of native wildflower seeds with me to... Definitely not spread around. 

It's such a pretty day, do you have a fully packed weekend?

Marysue

Ooo yes it’s such a nice day!  I’m glad you took a rainy walk that sounds lovely 😊 semi packed I would say. Have to absorb as much vitamin D as I can since I’m dying without it. Will likely go watch the Norway vs England game since I have become a huge Norway fan after England defeated Mexico 😔

Jonathan

🥲 that sounds like fun. I thought about going out to watch it but don't really want to be alone. Maybe that'll change by tomorrow! I don't know. But yeah I'm on the same page with being a Norway fan. The Mexico game really got to me.

I think the physical therapy I've been doing on my own and the specific timing of certain medications I've worked out has got me a decently reliable pattern to use to give myself more mobility, more time walking and going out and feeling mostly myself. It's delicate and it still hurts but I'm not going to rot away in my bed crying about how unfair life is. Not most days anyway. 

If I do end up going out I can warn you where I'm headed but honestly I think the odds of us going to the same place from so far away is stupidly low, so I can also just not communicate about it, whatever makes you more comfortable. 

You being D deficient is the most eye-rolling cosmic joke tbh I'd be telling doctors to run it again 😛 I saw a meme i really wanted to send you about how we would never fight over popsicles 🖤

And my rainy walk really was lovely! But... We have these really terribly designed stormwater runoff channels that don't drain or get enough sun to dry out, so our little promenade out back has these regular sections of just foamy, scummy, slippery slime full of bugs and spiders and it's a big buzkill...

But you know I'm a fixer so I went back and got my broom and dustpan and I completely fixed it and made it nice and clean and sliced out some runoff channels for it to drain off the walkway. Then I went inside and showered with bleach and scrubbed everything and disinfected everywhere the stagnant water might have touched my house. I do not have the damn time or patience for no goddamn flesh eating bacteria or brain melting amoebas, that shit was gross. 

But it's clean for everyone now :)

I went around trying to give the vecinos my contact info and let them know I'm Him in 7211 if they need anything and one woman said she's moving out tomorrow 🧐 bitch how these apartments have only been open for three months. The only other one who answered is my downstairs neighbor who is a smokeshow and super friendly, like oh hey let's go for a walk come by any time lah but she doesn't drink so that's gonna be a difficult friendship to nurture. I don't trust people who don't drink unless they have a kind of reason that I would also be sober for you know 

Plus if you don't drink it's literally impossible for you to experience those dark, sweaty, boilerroom strobe light moments, the ones where you're dancing close enough to breathe in whatever they've been drinking plus their favorite perfume and that clean, raw, primal, athletic sweat that's partially yours, partially theirs, then looking up and meeting each other's eyes like you're the only people who exist and the world is hallucinating all around you but that connected gaze is the dream constructed by the lighting and musical artists and stage talent that plucked all of these threads of reality and pulled them together to wrap the two of you in a private tapestry of those little moments that you'll remember for the rest of your life even while the rest of the night fades within a matter of days.

Type shit.

I need that for therapeutic purposes. 

😩

Marysue

That was a nice message. I enjoyed reading that. 

I’ve thought about doing the same thing. In my friends apartment complex they have a running group chat for every floor and hangout super regularly and I think that’s beautiful. My complex is superrr lame. They don’t do any events at all. I’ve hung out with her neighbors more than mine at this point but they party WAYYY too hard so I’m kinda glad I don’t live there lol like why are we doing coke at 5am in someone’s apartment? Trust me it’s wayyyy less fun than it sounds. The point is someone should start a group chat and why not me you know? I’m glad you took that initiative. 

I didn’t end up going out for the Norway game either and I’m glad since it was a sad one. Since when is England good? You know I love a bandwagon and I’ve fully hopped on the fifa one. It’s been fun. But also I’m not even fully bandwagoning since I’ve been watching Mexico play in the World Cup with my family since like the day I was born. 

I’ve recently found myself around people that don’t drink more than I ever have. Most of them are pregnant but the ones that aren’t just don’t like alcohol which is crazy but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. I don’t think we could ever be bestie status but causal friends yeah why not. 

💖J

Jonathan

Maybe hanging out with some people who don't drink - at least so much - would be a good change of pace for you! You'll still have all your regular friends but get to see a bit of another slice of life too and I think you're the kind of person who has a lot of power to make big things happen when you're not just going along someone else's ride. When you find friends or a partner that you're inspired to co-create with, you're going to change the world. Be the one who starts all the group chats and gets them rolling, and by the time you leave to do the next big thing you've left behind a place of healing and community that others never would have started for themselves but will experience real positive impacts from as part of having those in their lives. You know? 

I'm glad you liked my message. I was having a pretty rough day then, and today too, and I had this painfully bittersweet thought of how you'd have probably been giggling and recording me from the balcony flailing around in the muck with absolutely the wrong tools and barely one good leg to stand on. But maybe my balcony won't be empty forever. Maybe there's someone out there who would come down to fight the pondwater with me.

Maybe I'm one of those people who needs the kind of communities you're capable of bringing together. Maybe our story gets a happier ending without us being written into the same chapter. 

Not to be maudlin, I'm just happy you called me today and I'm happy you liked my last message, so I'm thinking of happier things to paint into the dark of my canvas, do you feel the harmony of this song? 

All I got from my family growing up was nightmares 😩 but I've been happy to root for Mexico from the first time I learned what it was like, how it felt, where the heartbeat lived, if that makes sense. I hope it's okay for me to stay on that bandwagon. I like it there.

It's was a bad game to watch. I hated it. Norway kicked a ball right into the Spider Camera which caused it to drop in front of an English defender who bullied it into a goal. The Mexican game was heartbreaking too, it was full of weird moments. 

Do you do coke now? Is this new??

Those 5am rowdy nights were special in a certain time and place... I'd love to be a wallflower to watch those play out, the first thing I'm going to judge about it isn't the coke itself but whether it's a big-light or lamplight situation and what the ratio to couples and singles are... and what music is playing... and honestly everything else going on, I actually really miss those events not necessarily because I want to be on a bender but there's just so much human connection that goes into them. Before, during, after, the travel, the talks, the venues, the moments. I miss having moments with people. 

I'm glad your life is full of those moments, even the ones cheap enough for you to think nothing of. There's so much life going on. 

Sounds like a lot of fun. 

Be the one to start the WhatsApp group chats!

I know you can if you just convince yourself that you want to. You can really, really do anything. You just have to want to do it. I've seen it with my own eyes, you're brilliant when you feel like making something happen. 

You saved my life with it. Watched me burn out and convinced me to get outside and do physical labor. Watched me learn copyediting just to get shut out of the job market by chat gpt. Watched me learn full-stack development, four different coding languages, and earn my basic and advanced data analytics certifications from Google just to lose those jobs to new AI. I thought I was burnt-out dead meat with no shot and nothing to my name but hundreds of dead job applications. Then you showed me a role I didn't even know existed and I was back on my feet within months, maybe weeks, more hope and fire in my belly than I'd felt in years. You did that for me, casually, with almost no effort at all because it was just so easy for you.

My heart is full of the hope that you'll find a path that inspires you to do that for others, all those exhausted and hopeless geniuses and artists and friends and leaders who just need one good person, one good neighbor to stop by and say "hey, there's actually another way forward if you'd care to take a look with me". 

Be the neighbor, build the community you love. Right? Am I being inspiring or annoying lol I'm sorry I just have a lot of love in my heart with not a lot of places to go right now

I've doubling down on my introductory Spanish because so many of the people here don't speak English at all and they're kind of mean and impatient so I'm hoping if I can get a little bit further in the intro then I can get more of a community going here. Our official apartment board is strictly moderated to an insane degree, so nothing goes up unless it directly benefits the front office. I'd like to get more people on my Mr Rogers type shit even if I can't participate in the chat so much.

🎶🫰

Jonathan

I don't want to send this message, because I feel like my last one in this conversation was a good one to wait for a response to. But there's too much piling up.

So I hope you'll sidestep with me for a moment, at my pace, and then come back here to pick up where we left off if or when you ever feel motivated to do so, at your pace.

I really want for us to be finished with our extrapersonal affairs before my surgery, or ideally before your birthday. That way if we're still meeting with the therapist to smooth out our goodbyes, we can focus on being present for that without carrying in any stray threads that might tangle our outcome.

I'm sorry the time this requires gets in the way of the things you'd prefer to be doing, but the life you've bought still has more to be paid for. And you're holding up my register, lady. Yes this will take precious time from you, but you'll still have probably 70 to 80 years of me not being there to weigh you down or hold you back. Drop the card.

1. The truck registration.

2. Your suggestions/requests regarding truck ownership.

3. Outline of my abusive behaviors.

4. The bullet points you wrote from our previous 1:1.

5. My final requests. 

None of these conversations need to take very long, it's mostly just me getting information from you so that I can continue with next steps alone until or unless you need to be looped in again. If we're straight-to-business, these could all be addressed in probably under thirty minutes total, spread across two or three calls or whatever fits your preference.

When can you chop this up with me?

And when are you leaving for your birthday? 

With compassion, 

in a kind voice, 

(🎶husky, soft, warm 🫰 a little cheeky 😌),

And more sadness 

than I hope you'll experience 

in the entire rest of your life,

Love, 

Jonathan

Marysue

Okey dokey! 

🫠J

Jonathan

God, you're so you.

Chat soon, sweet dreams 🎶

Jonathan

So what does okey dokey mean in response to the letter I sent? Could you answer the two questions at the end please?

Marysue

1. Throughout the net couple of days 

2.idk yet, but either way I’ll be flexible. I’m sure I can spare some time regardless 

🫠J

Jonathan

My old comrade, my captor, my cruel memory,

Can you remember how many times throughout the years I was at your side while you were trying to get your father's attention or cooperation, trying to get him to be upfront with you, trying to get him to keep his word? 

And he did come through, sometimes. But can you remember the amount of distress it caused you to be on the waiting end, the uncertain end, the urgent end of those conversations and redirections and faded-out connections?

The things you were reaching out about, they were usually so important to you. And he usually gave you just enough reassurance and charismatic engagement to put you at ease for the duration of the conversation, to make you feel like progress was being made. And sometimes it was. And sometimes he surprised you with an amazing burst of effort out of nowhere big enough to make the things he didn't care about seem like not such big deals. 

Those payoffs were really great. But do you remember how many hours you spent with your stomach in knots or your face in your hands or your brain swimming with stress, to just buy the possibility of getting those wins? 

I remember it causing you a lot of pain, eating a lot of your time, poisoning your life and your happiness and your love, just enough to be an obvious effect but not so much that it was worth it to you to just cut yourself loose. Close, sometimes, but only just. 

I'm tired. I don't want to do any of this. I never wanted any of this. I never deserved any of this. Maybe it's a minor annoyance to you, or even a significant annoyance, but it's eaten away so much of me that I can't imagine how I'm going to rebuild from what little of me could be left.

If I put in no effort at all from my end, what would you do to finish all of this? Would you have any incentive to do it with as much fairness to me as could be done to end such an already extremely unfair story?

Marysue

I set up a consultation with the therapist. Im waiting for her to reach out to me but maybe you would want to have her reach out to you as well? It’s free! 

Jonathan

Ok

Jonathan

You've given me an ulcer

Jonathan

Call me, today please. Preferably with forewarning.

Marysue

How much time do you need? I can call rn if it’s quick 

Jonathan

Uh like five minutes this time