Hey Marysue, hope you're feeling even better today.
I'm asking for something from you. You are free to tell me about how you feel like I'm impinging on your agency by asking but that doesn't make it true. There's no threat, no retaliation, no punishment for agreeing or disagreeing. You are completely free to do whatever you want. As am I. I've thought a lot about it and I believe I am justified as a human being in asking you for this thing. I will be disappointed if you decline but there's literally nothing that I can or would do to force it from you. I hope you'll see the kindness in helping me on my journey to healing, but I have no expectation that you will be fully participant.
In your own time, but ideally/hopefully before you leave on Wednesday, I would appreciate a written letter from you. It can be by email or in the document.
You acknowledged that what you did was not a kind thing to do, but that you don't regret it, and that you did it because you wanted to do it, and you aren't sorry for doing it. You said that you didn't cheat on me, which I don't explicitly agree with as valid or as an excuse, but I can address that with you if you ever want me to - which I don't believe you will because I know how much you hate talking about anything like this. And that's up to you.
I'm asking, please, for you to not just write from a kneejerk, reactionary point of view. I know what your answer would be if I asked you to your face, which is partially why I'm putting it in writing. (Partially because I don't have access to you to ask you to your face.) So please, wait for your high emotions to subside, let the feeling of danger or threat pass, do box breathing or some other CBT technique if you need to until you can convince your body and mind that you are safe, that nothing has changed, that there is no danger or threat.
Once you're past that, please put as much thought into it as you're willing to put. Write me something that is not purely defensive, ideally please write me something that is rational, and thought out, and true as true can be without any deception or secrets or spin.
I'm asking you to please write to me, to tell me why you did it. I would prefer if you would just spill every detail from the moments that contributed to putting the two of you on that path together, to the experience itself, to the aftermath, all on a timeline and what was happening and what you were thinking and experiencing at every step of the way, but I won't get my hopes up for that.
But at the very least, please write to me to tell me the complete truth of what is and has been in your heart and mind about that situation. I am asking you to at the very least, please tell me when it happened, whether it was over a span of time, and whether you intended to continue even though you said it isn't currently ongoing.
If you feel up for it, tell me every detail that you're willing to tell. Even the most uncomfortable ones.
Please tell me the truth, and really look into yourself to make sure that it is the truth and not just what you want to believe is the truth. But please also tell me the truth about all the things you used to say to me when telling me he was the guy not to worry about. Were you lying at the time? If you weren't, when did you start to change your mind and why?
There is a lot more I want to ask, but I know that this much is already going to cost you a lot to even be asked, let alone to genuinely try to answer.
But if you're doing to decline, please don't do so with a rant about autonomy and agency and pressure, because you don't understand those concepts and haven't been using them fairly. Just say no. I will probably ask you again in the future, because this truly does help me process, but you can say no then too. I've stopped having panic attacks about it ever since you confirmed it was true. It sucks, it's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced and you know I've had some really horrible ones. But it's my pain and I know the shape of it a little bit better, so it's not a nightmare lurking formless in the dark anymore.
The more shape you can give this monster, the more gritty detail you're willing to share, the better I'm able to bind it and deal with it. But I know it's not a comfortable thing to do. Just consider that if you really do believe it was an awful thing for you to do, then you have an opportunity to do something right by the person you hurt by doing it.
Nobody is going to make you, and I wouldn't if I could. I just hope that you will want to, because you didn't want to hurt me in the first place. You just wanted to do things more than you wanted to not hurt me, so it was an acceptable cost. But the cost has been all mine to pay, so I'm asking you to help reimburse me as much as you can.
Write to me, please, about this thing. Or just tell me that you won't. Up to you, but please consider after your emotional reaction to this email has settled.
Thank you for your time
Love,
Jonathan
