Dripping from the Sunlit Thorns

Hey thank you for sharing that with me but please do take in mind that what you read was in the rough drafts section that came with a specific disclaimer that it wasn't a final truth .I wrote from a place of emotion about things that have been on my mind a lot, and I intend to go back from a place of peace to re evaluate and revise. The way a thing makes me feel in one moment doesn't define the entirety of its importance. And "a" truth is not equal to "the" truth. There's a lot more that's going to go into those words before they're yours to have. You can peek on them for now, but please remember that it isn't complete.

I don't think you're evil. I think you've done an evil thing. I don't think it defines you. And if it were something you ever  cared to talk about, I'm not unmovable. It will always hurt, but I would like to see it from a different view if you ever want to show me. 

But that's the whole reason I want to keep talking to you, to keep learning and growing with you. Because I don't think that you are defined by this small series of choices. 

I don't want to hate you and I don't want to talk shit about you. And neither of those things are what I've been doing. I want you to want to talk through shit with me. I want you to want me not to be out of your life. I know I may not get what I want, but I respect myself enough to not give up on what I believe matters most. 

And I didn't say they should be embarrassed of you. I said they would be ashamed to know about the part you chose to play in that situation. And from everything I know of them, I don't really believe that you would disagree. 

I still don't understand why you think space is best, because from what I've seen space has only allowed us to create our own isolated truths that we have no choice but to believe in because the other half of those stories isn't allowed to be present. Space has allowed you to grow more comfortable with us failing. Talking, being honest with each other, being present - I acknowledge that those things might be uncomfortable or even painful, but that isn't a bad thing. It's the only way true healing happens. You don't have to agree, but I would always take a one in ten million chance for things to work out between us in any way than choose a guarantee that they won't.

I'm fine right now too, just providing a little clarity on the raw things you saw me working through. 

I'm not saying nothing in there is true and it's all just drama but I am saying that working through things is often painful and messy and I haven't finished working through those yet. The reason the rough drafts are available to you is to allow you the opportunity to involve yourself in that process if you want to. But it isn't expected of you, it's just something I'm open to being vulnerable about.

What do you mean you're looking forward to tonight? Are you... are you saying that you're trying to not let me ruin the Superbowl for you? 

ru fr

The evil thing that I think you've done is no more or less painful and damaging to my soul, my self, than the evil thing that I think I've done. The only way to forgive myself is to acknowledge it, understand it, and be better. If I can't forgive myself, what's the point of living? And if I can forgive myself, I can forgive you. It doesn't matter if you want my forgiveness or if you even agree that you did a bad thing. The only thing that matters is if you want me to forgive you in my own mind and heart. Again, wanting me to do that isn't admitting to wrongdoing. It's just an admission that you want things to be better between us.

Well I hope you have lots of fun! There's no drama here for us today, nothing to weigh you down. Please enjoy your night and chat with me whenever you're ready.

Are you planning on picking up the creatures soon?

Cheers ~

But on the other hand like that sounds expensive so if you were getting flown out by some Medellíns or smth like damn I'd want to know that too 

Anything could happen, you know I'm a curious cat

But, thank you for answering me. I really appreciate that, especially knowing those kinds of questions can make you uncomfortable. Like I said, I really didn't think it through until after I had already fired it off, I didn't realize it could have put you in a difficult situation. Mea culpa.

The bar we were at had the volume off for the halftime show 😭 but it looked so good. One of the bartenders grew up in Puerto Rico and has apparently been a fan from like day zero, so it was fun talking to him about that at least. 

Do you want me to go collect the creatures?

It was crazy because we realized if we had just stepped outside everywhere else had so many TVs going so loud we would have had a perfect view!

And okay, I can't keep them all here while leaving them alone for work so I'll wait. 

Not to be too familiar but this is something that I offer *everyone* when they're sick and a fair number of them do take me up on it, but do you need any food or medicine dropped off? I can try to make caldo for you, should only take me a couple hours. 

And yeah, the expenses are crazy, but at least you're making good money and great memories 🎶

Bro do you know how amazing of a human experience it is to be loved and cared for? Like to have people who genuinely want for you to experience comfort and relief during even mildly inconvenient times? My guy you are talking about scraping up couch coins to order a California roll delivered with no tip to someone who would be straight up delighted to cook and no-contact-deliver you hot, homemade food???

???


I can leave a frozen pizza on your back gate if you don't want to struggle but also don't want to feel particularly cherished

🍲

I've had my doors and windows open to enjoy the evening breeze and unfortunately I think a dog got skunked a few minutes ago because there is now an eye-wateringly deadly miasmatic atmosphere in my bachelor pad that has completely choked out the delicately perfumed ambiance I work so hard to balance with fresh air and it's so bad I can barely see straight

You've been pretty fuckin not nice to me for a while now lmao no offense but think it through my guy if either of us cared about situations suggestive of you taking advantage of me, a meal delivery wouldn't even make the top five. I said no offense so you're legally not allowed to get mad at me for that but tell me I'm wrong

NO I DIDN'T FART

I did fart :( but that isn't what smells

I also just unwrapped new bedding and that might be part of it tbh.

What are you watching/reading to keep you distracted from your cold? 

Schitts Creek 😎😎😎 

I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning

I'm watching paymoneywubby watch uhhh s8e5 of 90 day fiance and it's uhhhhhhhhhhh

I would not recommend watching this channel unless you're going to commit to watching like several full streams because I did not like it at all until I watched enough to like, really get it. Some of his content is much better than others 🤷‍♀️

Watched the Handmaid last week, then I heard that it wasn't even officially affiliated with the books it was just straight up plagiarized? Crazy. 

Is Sydney Sweeney actually awful or did people really just make a whole lot of outrage out of nothing from that dumb blue jeans ad

I need to know your honest opinion so take your time to think it out if you're game

If I had asked that question at a grad-level dialogue they would have used a lot more words and sounded a lot dumber making the same points you just made and it would have been a 90 minute discussion worth 20% of our grade 

Because I'm insufferable, I would follow up with a latch on your specific wording - "if you saw Sydney Sweeney kick a puppy, would it be morally better for you to comment positively on her looks or to comment negatively on her looks?"

It's a loaded question, but it draws a point about relativistic ethics.

Not the luggage 😭 I loved that little trooper. We loved it. I think it's the one I bought with Mikey in Japan, yeah? I could probably repair it, but it's yours to discard if you want to.

Random question and I'm sure you don't talk to anyone about anything to do with me - well I'm not sure but I'm going to assume that to be true anyway for now - but do you happen to know if Eric has cut me off? I haven't talked to him about anything personal at all since he reached out about the fallout with Mikey, but he recently stopped responding to everything just around the time I found out you and Keith have been sleeping together. Instagram/signal/text messages, even Lindsey is usually responsive but has just been crickets. Don't get mad at me cause I'm working with limited information here but the only pieces I can find that fit together are that maybe you've talked to keith about me? and keith has talked to Eric who is his best friend and Eric has decided, like everyone else, to save the energy and just quiet quit our friendship?

I know that all fits a pattern that is going to upset/anger/annoy you and I know it feels good to let that out on me but I'm really just trying to find out if that's one more frayed end I need to chop off or if there's potential it could be something else I'm unaware of. I also am very clear on your stance that you have no obligation to help me or provide information and you are not ready to be nice to me but I'm asking you anyway just as a fellow human who is struggling to find comfort in this world, that you might be kind enough to provide the mercy of information if you have any. And to be gentle and understanding with me for asking if you don't.

Sorry about your disgusting mocos. She's in her iPad kid era

I was worried about sending you that message, but I found your response... touching. I appreciate it, and I appreciate the information. 

I haven't suspected you of placing wedges, and I have strongly believed throughout this ordeal that trying to force distance between me and my people isn't something you would do at all. You've put barriers between me and your people, sure, but all of my people have left me of their own accord. I don't blame you. 

Mmm there's a lot of text following this and I want you to know that you can call me if you feel the need to hear my voice or see my face to believe me when I tell you that I'm okay, I'm not venting or angry or crashing out or in despair or blaming you or ranting or attacking or anything like any of that at all. It's just a touch of emotional poetry that has nowhere else to be written. You can just stop reading and delete the message here if you're concerned about it, no worries. I don't intend for it to get an effect from you, but I wrote it anyway because I am genuinely interested in the questions it poses. I know my emotional expressions make you feel unsafe or pressured to act a certain way so I want to be EXTREMELY CLEAR that there is absolutely nothing here designed with expectations or blame or venom, it's just observations, dissociated from the events that created them. If you start to think that anything you read is meant to make you feel something specific, stop reading. Because it truly isn't. This may seem weird or counterintuitive to you, but it's a genuine expression of thankfulness with which I invite you to read my thoughts which follow, separated and distant from your own memories or perceptions, from your relationships, from me. I invite you to be a stranger with me here in this very strange land.

I'm confiding something vulnerable here, but as brutally offensive and painful to me as your relationship with keith is, as vile and repugnant of a human being that I have known and continue to know him to be, it still actually makes me a little sad to hear that you talked to him about me and he still never reached out. I knew him more intimately than anyone did, for nearly a decade. I loved him. I trusted him. I engaged him and supported him and comforted him through all sorts of awful situations. I laughed with him and worked out with him and got drunk and played games and shared stories with him. I knew him to his bones. And he took advantage of my trust, let me unknowingly encourage him and help him build an intimate, fun, sexual relationship with the woman I thought was going to be the mother of my children if I could only fight hard enough to overcome the seemingly impossible challenge of climbing out of the hell of misfortune that life had dealt me. And apparently he's known for most of the last year that I tried to kill myself. And he never even reached out. 

The only message I had on my phone when I got out of the hospital was from the apartment manager telling me to clean up the stain on my balcony.

I'm not going to push further than this - you've already been kinder than you set out to be here and I don't intend to take advantage of that and ask for more kindness still. But I am going to push my luck and ask if you would be willing to engage me on this as just one human to another. As if we were strangers who happened to sit at the same bench to wait for a train, and took up a conversation.

I would ask for you to do this by removing your personal feelings about this situation, your personal perspective, and tell me as a complete stranger if you really believe I truly deserve everything that has happened and continues to happen to me. Not as Marysue, a person involved, but just as an outsider looking in the best you can from your outside point of view. Is there something I'm missing, some terrible aspect of me that I refuse to work on or acknowledge that makes me unworthy of respect or love or healing or effort or even, oftentimes, basic human decency from the people I've invested so much of my love and my time and my effort and my life to? I'm not asking all of this rhetorically to invoke a certain reaction or emotion. I just... I really do just want to know if you can see something I can't that I've done to deserve my life not only falling apart, but completely rebuilding itself around me in this hideous inescapable nightmare. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to turn away and walk alone and start completely over, with nothing to show for a lifetime of trying and giving my best and working endlessly to be better, other than a broken heart and the haunting echoes of laughter from the people I loved most dancing and loving and enjoying life with each other without any pause or hesitation or discomfort at all for the broken trust and love and respect and dignity they each once shared with me? Don't get lost focusing on that specific betrayal, because it's just one nail in this thoroughly hammered out coffin. Think about the entire, enormous picture, please, and tell me what I can possibly do that I haven't already done to find a life worth living, or even just to deserve a life worth living, which it seems by so much evidence that I don't.

Can you flip the script on our stories and lay them over strangers, where your actions over the last three years or so have been played by a man and my actions have been played by a woman? What advice would you give that woman? What would you tell her, how would you encourage her to keep going? 

It's no big deal if you can't or just don't want to engage. If that's the case then I ask for you to forgive my overshare so we can return to being surface level strangers, no hard feelings on my side. 

Life just feels so... incredibly, cosmically unfair. If I could see how I deserved it all, I could submit to it. I could grieve and accept and heal. But I just can't. I trip on an obstacle, then get blamed for falling, then kicked while I'm down, then punished for crying out in pain, and when it's too much, and I give up? Everyone I ever knew finds a reason to hate me, to leave me, to invest time and energy in building a world in which they pretend I never existed. Is there any sense to any of this? Not as a rhetorical device, but literally any sense that drives life from one day to the next?

I hope you're feeling a bit poetic and introspective. But if you aren't and you've still read this far, a hard subject change is fine. If you choose to continue this conversation. I live with these internal dialogues every day, always. If I wasn't capable of putting them aside to engage a moment of opportunity I would have died of consumption months ago.

If this were Mass Effect then you would have had a QuickTime renegade action pop up that lets you just punch me right in the teeth in the middle of that monologue and I honestly would have respected it and changed the subject.

When are we getting our babies back :( I can still help 

My disc has herniated again so I've been struggling to walk for like a month. I've been thinking of your Grandpa a lot and I hope he's well. 

One of my plants was doing so well and looking perfectly healthy and then just overnight dropped like 10 out of its 12 leaves :'-(

Added a bunch of greens to my eggs on a whim and it was a horrible mistake so now I'm going to work on choking down this 12-egg trash omelette taco 

I will eventually forget that they did not love me too.

Or maybe I want to play baldurs gate with my girlfriend and I don't feel like buying yet another license when I've already bought so many that are getting no use c'mon man literally what could I possibly get up to that would negatively affect your life in any way through your steam account be fr

Hope you're feeling better

I just sent a new request

You didn't like my haiku 

I'll find a new way

Code sent!

THE SIGN IN REQUEST HAS EXPIRED

Can you just Geet me

Thanks for your help! 

Let me know if you change your mind about calling in a supply drop.

Hope you're able to help Raina find some peace today. I know she hates me too, but I'm empathic to turbulent minds.

I'll be here 🎶